High Expectations? Maybe.

I'm finding myself stressed out about India more than I'm enjoying the process of it all. Why? I hate worry. I hate thinking about how much control I don't have in this whole thing. I want India more than anything else in this life and I'm so close to it that I can taste it. I have the ticket. It is paid for and I can't get it back. My name is on it and it feels like it's in stone. But what if I can't stay the full two years? Is that having a direct impact on my process? Am I preparing for less because in some way I think that I won't actually stay?! Why do I do that to myself? Why do I set myself up to fail like that? Why do I think my dreams mean less than my friends or family's dreams?
Then I have this revalation... this doens't fall on me. This isn't my thing and I need to take my hands off! I need to sit back and watch him do this. I need to watch Jesus be who he says he is. Is that easy? No. It's not easy for me. But I have to remember that this isn't about me. This is about what God wants to do with his beloved people in Chennai. He wants to show them something and he wants to show me something. He wants to teach me something amazing about who he is and how much he loves me and his children. I hate all this worry. I hate it. I want to be free from thinking that I have to take care of these things. He knows what I need and he can and will provide for me. I have to trust him on that.
And then here's this place of putting all my life's dreams on being in India. That's not the right thing to do. This is a piece of my life, just one more step in the journey. Is it huge? yes. It is a major step. I don't know what's going to happen there. I don't know what he's going to do to me or through me there. This is as much a mystery to me as it is others. All I know is that I have to trust the creator of ALL knows what he's doing and will be with me in all things always. Chennai is a major place of change for me, I have to be up for the adventure or I need to sit back down.

Restored

I hate when I'm sitting somewhere and I have this urge to write and I can't. It's so frustrating at that point because I have to make notes on what I want to write about and then when the time comes to put it on paper (computer screen) it has lost some of its passion. So this is my attempt at trying to keep the passion in this thought. Let's hope it works!

A few months ago I was beginning yet another round of dealiong with the abandonment of my father. I've circled this tree more than enough times and so I thought that it was a closed chapter. Well in May of this year the chapter was opened once again and I wasn 't all too excited about it. But I listened to what I thought God was telling me and I obeyed...eventually. It didn't take too long before I did what he was asking and I tried to contact my dad. I had a few odd circumstances come up that made me realize that it was now or never. So I sat down and wrote a small note to tell him that I was leaving for India in February and I would really like to see have some contact with him before I go. I gave him my address, phone # and email address so there's no way he can tell me that he didn't have a way to get in touch with me. I sent the letter on a Monday morning and went on with my life. A week passed and nothing. No big deal. Two weeks passed and still nothing. 4 weeks passed and then I realized that I had a problem. It bothered me that I hadn't heard from him. It hurt me to know that I have sent several apologetic notes to him asking him for forgiveness for things I've said in the past. I was a hurt little girl and I didn't know then how to relate big people hurt with little girl expectations and emotions. Over the past 9 years I've tried to contact him 3 times and each time I have little to no expectation of a response. In the past, a no-reply didn't effect me all that much. It's what I expected so I just moved one. This time was different. I really hoped that in some way he would want to contact me and would put everything aside and contact me. But this is not what happened. I got exactly what I thought I would; nothing. 4 weeks after I sent the letter with a picture of me in India, telling him a little about my life and letting him see just a piece of my heart, I got nothing and I got angry. I was so angry at him for allowing himself to be this childish. I am 31 years old and I don't have time to play these games with people or my emotions. I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted him to say good luck. I wanted him to be able to say that he participated in some small way in my life. But he didn't. He chose not to be any kind of father again. Why did I deserve that? Why am I paying for his choices? Why do I sit and wonder about him knowing that he chose to turn around and walk away. It's not right. What makes me angry is that I'm not suppose to know what this feels like. I'm not suppose to know how it feels to have your own father not choose you. He didn't choose me... again. This isn't the first time this has happened either. I'd say that he's walked away from me 5 or 6 times. How can you allow your daughter to feel that unloved and unwanted? How do you allow those thoughts of unworthiness sit so heavy on her heart? I will never, as long as I live, understand how anyone could ever do that.
I have learned that it wasn't my fault. He walked away from an amazing person who is loved well by many people. He's missing out on the exciting things that happen in my life. He doesn't deserve the right to be proud of me when he had nothing to do with who I am as an adult. I understand that he is functioning out of what he knows as a father. I can't expect more from him when he doesn't have the ability to give what he doesn't have. He wasn't celebrated as a boy and before he was a man, he was a father. Lost & confused and now the provider for his wife and new baby boy. At 25 he was divorced, father of one child and found himself with another one on the way. (This is where I'd like to state that if you're not ready for children, either keep it in your pants or protect yourself. It's not the child's fault that you have no self control!) It's not all his fault and I'm aware of that. It takes two to tango. My mother was no angel but she loved me. She was a casualty of this unfortunate predicament too. I wasn't the only one who now carried the wounds of bad decisions. But I am the one who never receieved answers or truth about the situation. I just had fragments and no idea where to put them.
Here's the fun part... I'm okay. I've been redeemed. I've been made whole. I've been made clean. I'm loved by the only Father I've ever known. In His eyes I will always be his little girl who loves to dance with him. I am his beloved and I belong to him. I am with him as he is with me. I only have the knowledge of what I missed out on with my biological father because Jesus showed me what a real father looked like. He showed me that I have nothing to be ashamed of and I have many fatherly figures in my life that look out for my best interest. I'm thankful that I know what a father looks like so I can aim high for my future. I will never allow my children to feel that they are unloved. They will never know what it feels like to be picked over by the people who are to love them unconditionally. They will be enjoyed and cherished for the beautiful children of God that they are. Only on loan to me. Be gentle with the jewels that God loans to you.

Processing...

I have this constant thought running around in my head all the time. "India. I'm leaving for India on 6 months." 190 days to be exact. Geez. It feels like such a short amount of time to get my head & heart prepared for what's ahead of me. I think I put a lot of it off because I just don't know what to expect. I hope that whatever expectations I do have aren't too high. I know that as soon as the dust settles in Chennai and I'm living there and the rose colored glasses have come off, then I'll know if my expectations are too high. I'm hoping & praying for my transition to be quick. I don't want to hit the ground running but I would like it if the culture shock & adjusting to a new life will happen in a way that I won't even notice. I think of what it might be like to sleep with the sound of the streets there. I haven't done that before. I've always been in the very comfortable space of the hotel. I've never had to buy my own food there. I've never had to buy anything to survive on there. So there are lots of unknowns to me. But all of the unknowns are things that I will have to figure out.

The typical American life doesn't appeal to me. I appreciate the people who love the American life and want to make a home here, but it just isn't for me. It's hard to comprehend how someone can just want to stay here. And I know there is a flip side to this as well. A lot of people can't understand why I need to leave everything and go to a place completely foreign. Why do I need to sacrifice my life here for one that is so unknown? The only way I can explain that is this; staying here is the sacrifice. Not following after this dream is the sacrifice. Letting it all slip away because of a little fear is not worth it. I don't know how it's all going to work out. I don't know what's going to happen 3 months into it or 2 years into it. I don't know anything except that God is getting me there and he'll take care of me too. If I come home, I come home. He's the planner, not me. I just have to follow and leave my hands off it. Is it easy? HELL NO! I want to put my hands all over it and try to control all of it. But I can't and I remind myself of that every day.

I fight packing up my things and living out of boxes every day. I'm so ready to go and get this thing started but I have this time here for a reason. I need to make the time to get my heart ready to leave my family & friends. I can leave places anytime & not miss it, but it's the people I have a hard time leaving. My relationships are what I have to carry with me and remind me of when I have tough days. I hope I adjust to those changes as well.

So much...

The Cost

It never occurred to me that going to India would cost me something emotionally. Saying good-bye to my friends and family is something that you just accept. It will hurt but it's inevitable. But this last week I had to give up my puppy Gretta. I knew that I would have to leave her behind and I would miss her but circumstances changed and I had to let her go 7 months early. The two weeks leading up to her leaving, were emotional and difficult. I picked her out of 9 other cute, snuggle puppy and chose her @ 2 1/2 weeks old. I prepared for her, picked her name, brought her home, cared for her and loved her for 10 months. During the long, horrible, depressing winter she was my joy. She never rejected me in my crabby moods. She just wagged her tail and waited for me to play with her. She was a good friend to me. Not to mention cute and adorable.

But now she's gone with another family who will love her and give her everything she needs. My heart is broken but I know that it was the right thing to do.

So India is starting to cost me something. I never thought it would. My... was I naive. Because I love India so much I just assumed that it would be easy to go and leave people and things behind. Not so much. This is painful. I'm packing up pieces of my life and sending them to other people. I'm giving things away that I love because I can't take them with me. This is costing me something.

Going to India is a huge leap of faith. There's no security there for me. I'm going to a place where people know who I am but they don't know ME. It's exciting to think about the new relationships that will be built, but all the comforts of home and relationships that I can lean on will not be there. I won't know how to cope with that until I get there, but I need to realize that I will have times when I'm lonely and want the comforts of home. I hope that I can do this. I hope that I can be the person I know I am and be confident. I'm scared and unsure of how it will be but I have to trust that God knows what he's doing with me. This is all him. I wouldn't be making any of these decisions if I didn't know that I had a green light from God too. I will learn so much and transform into the person that I'm trying to be all the time. I hope I have enough grace to see me through.

In the end, my dream of India is costing me more than I anticipated. I believe it's worth it.

February seems so faaaar away!

My visa returned to me in record timing!!!! (Yes. I did stare at it with a stupid grin on my face for several minutes...a few times a day for the first week. I even showed it off to people.) So now I have permission to enter the country any time I want for the next 10 years! Sweet!
Now the trick is to try and have patience until the day comes that I can get on the plane and fly fly away. No that I'm trying to escape life in Madison or anything dramatic like that, but I'm just anxious and excited to finally be doing something that I've dreamed about for so long. It's like (I imagine) what it feels like for an engaged couple to wait for the long awaited wedding day. It feels like it's never going to come and then before you know it, it's here! I'm hoping the next 8 & 1/2 months go fast but not too fast.
I caught myself walking through the grocery store thinking that this is my last Wisconsin Spring for the next two years of my life. I know that I was being dramatic and I'm really OK with that! But more than the grocery store, I've noticed myself thinking about my relationships with people more. I keep thinking that I really need to make sure that I'm taking advantage of every opportunity to be with the people I love. Besides, I'm always up for a good laugh & martini. So without badgering me too much, make sure that I'm building my relationship with you so when I am in India, I won't look back at what I didn't have. Instead I'll be reminiscing on what I did have.

I promise (not that this is read by millions of fans) to write about more than just India. Maybe.

Va Va Va Visa!

Today was the first day that I spent real money on my future in India. Everything until now has just been planning and talking. Today, my friends, I handed out real cash to the wonderful visa people at the India Consualte in Chicago. It was a day of running all over the city to the DMV-which we all love SO much. Then it was off to the bank for the money order and copies, then it was to Walgreens for photos (which were not attractive I tell you!) (And since when does it take 1 hour to process passport photos?!! The sign says "Passport photos while you wait" Who hangs out in Walgreens for an hour?! Really.) Then it was on the UPS store to secure all the very important paper work in the little envelope and send it on its way. Tracking number in hand I walk out the door with a great deal of excitment that my journey has yet another milestone. Now I wait and pray that everything will return to me in the 5-10 business days as promised. And if it doesn't...oh, we can't even talk about that level of irritation!

India Baby!

India! The dream is becoming a reality! After 3 years of waiting and crying and fighting and yelling and finally letting go... Im going back to India. Details are being worked out but I'm going! More to come.