I'm finding myself stressed out about India more than I'm enjoying the process of it all. Why? I hate worry. I hate thinking about how much control I don't have in this whole thing. I want India more than anything else in this life and I'm so close to it that I can taste it. I have the ticket. It is paid for and I can't get it back. My name is on it and it feels like it's in stone. But what if I can't stay the full two years? Is that having a direct impact on my process? Am I preparing for less because in some way I think that I won't actually stay?! Why do I do that to myself? Why do I set myself up to fail like that? Why do I think my dreams mean less than my friends or family's dreams?
Then I have this revalation... this doens't fall on me. This isn't my thing and I need to take my hands off! I need to sit back and watch him do this. I need to watch Jesus be who he says he is. Is that easy? No. It's not easy for me. But I have to remember that this isn't about me. This is about what God wants to do with his beloved people in Chennai. He wants to show them something and he wants to show me something. He wants to teach me something amazing about who he is and how much he loves me and his children. I hate all this worry. I hate it. I want to be free from thinking that I have to take care of these things. He knows what I need and he can and will provide for me. I have to trust him on that.
And then here's this place of putting all my life's dreams on being in India. That's not the right thing to do. This is a piece of my life, just one more step in the journey. Is it huge? yes. It is a major step. I don't know what's going to happen there. I don't know what he's going to do to me or through me there. This is as much a mystery to me as it is others. All I know is that I have to trust the creator of ALL knows what he's doing and will be with me in all things always. Chennai is a major place of change for me, I have to be up for the adventure or I need to sit back down.
