Restored

I hate when I'm sitting somewhere and I have this urge to write and I can't. It's so frustrating at that point because I have to make notes on what I want to write about and then when the time comes to put it on paper (computer screen) it has lost some of its passion. So this is my attempt at trying to keep the passion in this thought. Let's hope it works!

A few months ago I was beginning yet another round of dealiong with the abandonment of my father. I've circled this tree more than enough times and so I thought that it was a closed chapter. Well in May of this year the chapter was opened once again and I wasn 't all too excited about it. But I listened to what I thought God was telling me and I obeyed...eventually. It didn't take too long before I did what he was asking and I tried to contact my dad. I had a few odd circumstances come up that made me realize that it was now or never. So I sat down and wrote a small note to tell him that I was leaving for India in February and I would really like to see have some contact with him before I go. I gave him my address, phone # and email address so there's no way he can tell me that he didn't have a way to get in touch with me. I sent the letter on a Monday morning and went on with my life. A week passed and nothing. No big deal. Two weeks passed and still nothing. 4 weeks passed and then I realized that I had a problem. It bothered me that I hadn't heard from him. It hurt me to know that I have sent several apologetic notes to him asking him for forgiveness for things I've said in the past. I was a hurt little girl and I didn't know then how to relate big people hurt with little girl expectations and emotions. Over the past 9 years I've tried to contact him 3 times and each time I have little to no expectation of a response. In the past, a no-reply didn't effect me all that much. It's what I expected so I just moved one. This time was different. I really hoped that in some way he would want to contact me and would put everything aside and contact me. But this is not what happened. I got exactly what I thought I would; nothing. 4 weeks after I sent the letter with a picture of me in India, telling him a little about my life and letting him see just a piece of my heart, I got nothing and I got angry. I was so angry at him for allowing himself to be this childish. I am 31 years old and I don't have time to play these games with people or my emotions. I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted him to say good luck. I wanted him to be able to say that he participated in some small way in my life. But he didn't. He chose not to be any kind of father again. Why did I deserve that? Why am I paying for his choices? Why do I sit and wonder about him knowing that he chose to turn around and walk away. It's not right. What makes me angry is that I'm not suppose to know what this feels like. I'm not suppose to know how it feels to have your own father not choose you. He didn't choose me... again. This isn't the first time this has happened either. I'd say that he's walked away from me 5 or 6 times. How can you allow your daughter to feel that unloved and unwanted? How do you allow those thoughts of unworthiness sit so heavy on her heart? I will never, as long as I live, understand how anyone could ever do that.
I have learned that it wasn't my fault. He walked away from an amazing person who is loved well by many people. He's missing out on the exciting things that happen in my life. He doesn't deserve the right to be proud of me when he had nothing to do with who I am as an adult. I understand that he is functioning out of what he knows as a father. I can't expect more from him when he doesn't have the ability to give what he doesn't have. He wasn't celebrated as a boy and before he was a man, he was a father. Lost & confused and now the provider for his wife and new baby boy. At 25 he was divorced, father of one child and found himself with another one on the way. (This is where I'd like to state that if you're not ready for children, either keep it in your pants or protect yourself. It's not the child's fault that you have no self control!) It's not all his fault and I'm aware of that. It takes two to tango. My mother was no angel but she loved me. She was a casualty of this unfortunate predicament too. I wasn't the only one who now carried the wounds of bad decisions. But I am the one who never receieved answers or truth about the situation. I just had fragments and no idea where to put them.
Here's the fun part... I'm okay. I've been redeemed. I've been made whole. I've been made clean. I'm loved by the only Father I've ever known. In His eyes I will always be his little girl who loves to dance with him. I am his beloved and I belong to him. I am with him as he is with me. I only have the knowledge of what I missed out on with my biological father because Jesus showed me what a real father looked like. He showed me that I have nothing to be ashamed of and I have many fatherly figures in my life that look out for my best interest. I'm thankful that I know what a father looks like so I can aim high for my future. I will never allow my children to feel that they are unloved. They will never know what it feels like to be picked over by the people who are to love them unconditionally. They will be enjoyed and cherished for the beautiful children of God that they are. Only on loan to me. Be gentle with the jewels that God loans to you.

Processing...

I have this constant thought running around in my head all the time. "India. I'm leaving for India on 6 months." 190 days to be exact. Geez. It feels like such a short amount of time to get my head & heart prepared for what's ahead of me. I think I put a lot of it off because I just don't know what to expect. I hope that whatever expectations I do have aren't too high. I know that as soon as the dust settles in Chennai and I'm living there and the rose colored glasses have come off, then I'll know if my expectations are too high. I'm hoping & praying for my transition to be quick. I don't want to hit the ground running but I would like it if the culture shock & adjusting to a new life will happen in a way that I won't even notice. I think of what it might be like to sleep with the sound of the streets there. I haven't done that before. I've always been in the very comfortable space of the hotel. I've never had to buy my own food there. I've never had to buy anything to survive on there. So there are lots of unknowns to me. But all of the unknowns are things that I will have to figure out.

The typical American life doesn't appeal to me. I appreciate the people who love the American life and want to make a home here, but it just isn't for me. It's hard to comprehend how someone can just want to stay here. And I know there is a flip side to this as well. A lot of people can't understand why I need to leave everything and go to a place completely foreign. Why do I need to sacrifice my life here for one that is so unknown? The only way I can explain that is this; staying here is the sacrifice. Not following after this dream is the sacrifice. Letting it all slip away because of a little fear is not worth it. I don't know how it's all going to work out. I don't know what's going to happen 3 months into it or 2 years into it. I don't know anything except that God is getting me there and he'll take care of me too. If I come home, I come home. He's the planner, not me. I just have to follow and leave my hands off it. Is it easy? HELL NO! I want to put my hands all over it and try to control all of it. But I can't and I remind myself of that every day.

I fight packing up my things and living out of boxes every day. I'm so ready to go and get this thing started but I have this time here for a reason. I need to make the time to get my heart ready to leave my family & friends. I can leave places anytime & not miss it, but it's the people I have a hard time leaving. My relationships are what I have to carry with me and remind me of when I have tough days. I hope I adjust to those changes as well.

So much...