Justice & Hope

Again with the over emotional ride though the city. From where I'm staying this week to the office, it takes about an hour to get there. Traffic is horrible, but it always is here. Maybe I'm just super tired since I was woken up @ 1:30 this morning by the street dogs outside howling at who knows what! I have 3 dogs that I'm watching and when the street dogs are freaking out, my dogs are freaking out. This went on for about an hour and just when I would drift back to sleep the howling would begin again. And really, who can you be mad at? They're dogs doing just what dogs do; bark at things. Finally I got some to sleep again with all 3 of my giant furry friends kindly tucking me in from every side. Thank God for coffee is what I'm saying!
Any way...I was sitting in the car with Elango, who I adore, and we're making our way to the other side of the city. I'm watching out the windows like I always do because there's ALWAYS something going on. But today I found myself fighting back the tears. I so didn't want to explain to Elango that I was crying because my heart was broken because of what I see every single day. I know this is life here. I know that people are happy and don't need my pity. I know that they don't need our American ways to be happy because it obviously isn't working so well for us either. But there's this piece in my heart that just screams at the injustice of it all. I can't take pictures in the street because it feels like I'm mocking them. I don't want people to look at pictures of what I see every day and feel like I did something wonderful. I'm not doing anything wonderful. I'm am trying to live outside of myself in a land I can't even begin to understand. I'm trying to love someone, anyone, in simple ways. I'm not solving any world problems here, I'm working with a church who is trying to making a difference. I'm supporting a women's group whose vision is so large that you can't see around the whole thing. God didn't ask me to come here so I could do this big wonderful ministry. He asked me to come to get out of myself. To be stretched. To be humbled. To be shaken by things that my heart tells me are wrong. He sees his people here and he is overwhelmed with joy and love for them. They don't see him at all but he sees them.

I don't know that I'll be able to "do" anything here but I can tell you that my heart, if it survives, will have grown so much for a God whose heart is broken for the injustice that happens here. My eyes can only see so much of what he shows me or asks me to see. I can't imagine what the creator of all, sees in this place. My heart is broken and I feel helpless. I feel like I have the tools but I don't know where to dig. I would be happy not "doing" anything here that actually produced a result. I'm OK with planting seeds here and building relationships. My American mindset tells me that I need to justify the money that was given to me to come here by producing something, anything. But then am I ignoring what I'm really to be doing here? Am I missing the big picture if I'm so busy doing? I think so. Missionaries (which I don't like being called) don't just come for a season and then they're done. It's a life long commitment even if they're not living in the country. I don't know what's next on God's list of things to do with me, living in India may or may not be one of them. But my heart will always be tied here. It will always hope for the best for his people. I will never cease to ask for justice in this place.

Simple tea

I'm house sitting for some friends this week and I have been struggling to adjust to the way they live. Not that they live horrible lives but they have a maid who cooks, cleans, does the shopping and the laundry. It's so hard for me to allow her to wait on me like that! The other day she was cleaning and I was in my room reading and she brings me some tea. I was so happy with the tea but I just felt so bad that she was out there working away and I was relaxing. They also have a driver, which I love and hate. I love that I can get around and I don't have to negotiate with and auto driver, but again with the guilt! He waits for me while I go work in the office and he waits for me while I sit and have coffee. He waits outside the house until 6:00 while I'm inside reading or having tea or watching a movie. Ahhhh! It's so hard! I get that this is the culture and this is their job. But it feels like their job is to help me be lazy and like I really need help with that! Today when Elango, the driver, and I got home I tried to tell him that he could leave early but he stayed. I couldn't just let him sit out there reading his book or whatever he had with nothing, so I figured out how to make South Indian tea and took him a cup. His face alone was worth it. He just smiled at me while I tried to explain that I hoped it was good because it was my first time making Indian tea like that. I walked back into the house and I was just grinning from ear to ear. It made me so happy to be able to serve him in some small way. Tea is no big thing really, but hospitality is and that means a lot to Indians. It was just a cup of tea, nothing much at all, but it gave me such joy to be able to give back. I know it sounds simple but it made my entire day. If I do nothing more here than make tea for my driver, it was all worth it.

What I see

I've recently done an inventory on the things that I have seen here. When getting used to a new place and it's surroundings, I generally block everything else out and focus on certain things like landmarks, road names, did we cross a bridge and then turn left, and such. I tend to be less observant of things happening in the street or to the people on the street. In the last week alone I've taken more time to broaden my view and really see what's going on around me. Every day I when I go the church office, I have to take an auto-rick and right outside my apartment complex is the road that will take me there, but in order for the auto to get to that road, he has to do a u-turn and they like to charge you extra for that. Even though the city is designed that way and they have to make u-turns all the time. So what I've found is that it's so much easier to cross the main road (Poonamalee High Road-for those of you who want to know!) and walk a little down Tailor's Rd which leads to the office eventually and catch an auto there. But sometimes it takes a while for an auto to come by so I walk until I see one. This I have found, is my favorite thing to do. I LOVE walking in the street in this new city of mine and being able to go at a slower pace. There are so many things packed into these small spaces and it does indeed take a walk in the street to see it all. But what I have also seen are the things that you hope to never see. I saw a man with leprosy on his hands and feet. He was begging for money and as we passed one another it took everything in me to keep walking. I've seen several men just asleep on the sidewalks. I've found myself wondering if they're alive as I stepped around them. I saw a man with his hands bound over his head and his feet bound as well. He was just laying there and people were just walking and driving by like he wasn't even there. I've seen too many babies crying for food and one too many starving street dogs. There has been one highlight on my daily walk home from the offices. Every day I walk past this open dirt field that is used by the local boys for playing Cricket. When I come up to the field I tend to slow down and just watch them for a split second. I like to see them having fun and I can just imagine the dreams some of them have about playing Cricket one day. It makes me smile the rest of the way home.

But today I encountered something that I've seen before and it never fails to strike my heart and I hurt. After church after we had had a little luncheon and there was a few left over wraps so I took one so I would have something for dinner. I was being driven home by a friend and we were stopped at the signal light and this girl maybe 11 0r 12 years old was holding this little child, no more than 3 and most likely younger, came up to our door and started knocking and then putting her fingers to her lips. And when it registered that they were asking for food, my friend looked for something to give them and all we had was the chicken wrap I had in my hand. Of course we gave it to them because they needed it so much more than I did. She took the wrap and just went over to the little median and sat down with her brother or sister and started devouring this wrap right there in the street. As common as this is, it broke me. As we pulled away I looked back at them and just sunk in my spirit a little. Their clothes were so dirty and they were so thin and they were alone. Aside from the obvious that it may have been a ploy to get food (who cares) they didn't even try to take the food and take it back anywhere. They sat down in the middle of the intersection and ate the food that a complete stranger had just handed them through a car window! There's just something so wrong about this! My home land is so full of useless things and here I am handing food to children, who have no one looking after them or providing for them, through a window! My heart hurts for them. It goes against everything that tells me the world is fair and good. The need is overwhelming. I know that it isn't my job to save them or to try and meet every need but how do I help just one? Just one enough to make a difference? Just one.
This city has so many good things and then sometimes I see just enough of the bad that make me forget about the good. I pray that my heart doesn't grow cold when the 150th man comes to me begging for money. I pray that I'm never able to turn a blind eye to the hungry child on the street corner. I pray that my heart will always be as compassionate for a country I do not understand and tries my character in every way.
In all that I see on my daily walk, I know that God is good. I know that He sees and hears the cries of his people. And he sends people like me who have nothing to offer but love to have their hearts awakened and shaken to beat again the way he designed it to beat. The question I ask myself today is, "How do I honor your name in this place? How do I show your love?" I am your hands and feet. I am walking in the streets with your beloved. I ask for nothing more than just one chance to show someone your beauty.

Internal process and more things I've learned in Chennai

India and I are learning to get along better. I have started to see that I had my armor on backwards so I wasn't fully protected. It's better now! Some days are harder than others but I didn't expect life to just be smooth sailing once I moved across the ocean. I just thought I would have been pretty prepared mentally right off the bat and this was not the case. Or at least I had forgotten to turn it on. Very important to turn it on.

So here's a bit my internal process and heart on my sleeve. This is what I've been thinking about the last few days and I'm quite shocked at my internal response.

So, what if God asked that I stay here? What if he made a way for my new home to be in Chennai? This is a realistic thought too. He gave me a green light for 6 months but he only shows me just enough of the picture so I'll trust in him and the rest he keeps for a little surprise later. So in my thinking on this I am able to say with a large percentage of certainty; yes, I could stay here and make India my home. Compared to my thoughts on this a week ago, this is a freaking miracle! There was no way that I could think about staying here another second, but it seems the air has changed. I know that in order for this to be the case, he has to have something up his sleeve for me to do. There is something here for me to take on and to learn from. He wouldn't ask me to stay under any other circumstances. He wouldn't place his daughter in a strange land and leave her empty handed. He doesn't work that way. He would have to show me that I have a purpose here and a reason to stay. If nothing were to change, I have no reason to stay. When August comes, I will have no reason to think that I would need to come back because I have nothing rooted here. But God can change that and provide a reason for me to stay or something to come back to. I don't know what it is or what it could be but I know that something is in the air and I'm waiting to see what he does. How knows what he's up to.

Some more things I have learned about Chennai.
-The auto driver will tell you to get out in the middle of the route if he doesn't think you're paying him enough.
-This is when you learn to pick your battles. And this was one I chose not to fight. Not over 5 cents my friend!
-The weirdest flavor of chips ever can indeed be found here! Mint? Really?
-Baskin Robbins is heaven on earth!
-The mosquito population has increased and found out where I lived!
-I will freak out when discovering a giant roach is sitting next to my head in the car.
-I will also climb out of any open car door to get away from said roach!!
-Eating with your fingers gets old...quick.
-Indian commercials are hysterical!
-Cricket is an interesting game and I DO NOT have the attention span to endure it. One match is 5 days long @ 6 hours a day?! Really?
-Laundry is an entire days work and I miss dryers!
-Wear shoes when hanging the laundry! My white feet are pretty sure you're asking them to walk on hot coals!
-Air conditioning is among the best inventions ever made by man!
-The security guy who blows his whistle and bangs his stick at 3AM is really doing it for your protection. Not to wake you up! Apparently.
-Finally...you do actually pray for rain and you can get too much of a good thing!