Again with the over emotional ride though the city. From where I'm staying this week to the office, it takes about an hour to get there. Traffic is horrible, but it always is here. Maybe I'm just super tired since I was woken up @ 1:30 this morning by the street dogs outside howling at who knows what! I have 3 dogs that I'm watching and when the street dogs are freaking out, my dogs are freaking out. This went on for about an hour and just when I would drift back to sleep the howling would begin again. And really, who can you be mad at? They're dogs doing just what dogs do; bark at things. Finally I got some to sleep again with all 3 of my giant furry friends kindly tucking me in from every side. Thank God for coffee is what I'm saying!
Any way...I was sitting in the car with Elango, who I adore, and we're making our way to the other side of the city. I'm watching out the windows like I always do because there's ALWAYS something going on. But today I found myself fighting back the tears. I so didn't want to explain to Elango that I was crying because my heart was broken because of what I see every single day. I know this is life here. I know that people are happy and don't need my pity. I know that they don't need our American ways to be happy because it obviously isn't working so well for us either. But there's this piece in my heart that just screams at the injustice of it all. I can't take pictures in the street because it feels like I'm mocking them. I don't want people to look at pictures of what I see every day and feel like I did something wonderful. I'm not doing anything wonderful. I'm am trying to live outside of myself in a land I can't even begin to understand. I'm trying to love someone, anyone, in simple ways. I'm not solving any world problems here, I'm working with a church who is trying to making a difference. I'm supporting a women's group whose vision is so large that you can't see around the whole thing. God didn't ask me to come here so I could do this big wonderful ministry. He asked me to come to get out of myself. To be stretched. To be humbled. To be shaken by things that my heart tells me are wrong. He sees his people here and he is overwhelmed with joy and love for them. They don't see him at all but he sees them.
I don't know that I'll be able to "do" anything here but I can tell you that my heart, if it survives, will have grown so much for a God whose heart is broken for the injustice that happens here. My eyes can only see so much of what he shows me or asks me to see. I can't imagine what the creator of all, sees in this place. My heart is broken and I feel helpless. I feel like I have the tools but I don't know where to dig. I would be happy not "doing" anything here that actually produced a result. I'm OK with planting seeds here and building relationships. My American mindset tells me that I need to justify the money that was given to me to come here by producing something, anything. But then am I ignoring what I'm really to be doing here? Am I missing the big picture if I'm so busy doing? I think so. Missionaries (which I don't like being called) don't just come for a season and then they're done. It's a life long commitment even if they're not living in the country. I don't know what's next on God's list of things to do with me, living in India may or may not be one of them. But my heart will always be tied here. It will always hope for the best for his people. I will never cease to ask for justice in this place.
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