The Big Easy or little India?

So I just had the most fantastic time in New Orleans, LA! Flew with a great friend of mine who's easy going, fun and willing to try new things. Love the Guse! We had such a good time! We were visiting my grade school friend Beth and her husband Chris, who had fantastic food waiting for us when we arrived at the house! Best hotel ever! Shippert-Meyers Inn and Cafe'! 5 stars. It never fails that when I'm with Beth that I laugh until my sides hurt. For two people who are complete opposites, we have a great respect for each other's opinions and belief's. We have been friends literally since the 3rd grade when she was the new girl in class and sat across from me. Fast friends indeed. I cherish her. When I'm with her I feel SO comfortable with myself and I never feel judged about who I am or how I look. You just don't find people like her all the time. I have several friends who have these qualities, but none like Bethy. She's just one of a kind and I adore her. Yay Beth!

So New Orleans! A-MAZING! Love the city, the culture, the food, the weather, the hospitality, the way they talk, the FOOD! I love that city. I don't ever want to live there, but I love visiting! My fantastic friend Krista and I walked all over the city. We rode the street car and had drinks "to go"! We found a few t-shirt shops on Bourbon St and we were in every.single.one.

We went on a tour of the St. Louis Cemetery no.1 and saw the fantastic tombs and heard a ton of history of the city. Again, fantastic! If this city actually sinks, as is what you expect it to do since it is built on a swamp, three feet below sea level, it will be the most tragic loss ever. Yes the city is dirty and old and full of bad things but it's beautiful! The culture is like nowhere else in the US. It's got such amazing architecture! Where do they build places like this in the US?

They celebrate everything! Everywhere you go there is color. Houses are multi-colored and not in bad taste like in the Mid-west. (You all know what I'm talking about!) I love love all the color!

Of course we went to the Lower 9th ward where Hurricane Katrina did the most damage. It was so hard to see it with your own eyes. Basically because it's in the United States. You want to be super sensitive to the people who lost everything they had. You don't want to walk around with your cameral hanging around your neck because this is someone's home and they lived it. It's not a tourist attraction. But hope is springing up there and one day it will be filled with homes that can withstand another flooding.

I had a great time in New Orleans! Great city!

What does India have to do with New Orleans, LA? A LOT! First of all, most of the shops on Bourbon St were owned/ran by an Indian family. It was awesome! Bourbon St reminded me the most of India because of how it's constructed. The streets are close together, there's a distinct oder in the air that most large cities have. The culture of the city is like no other! And of course, the colors! India is full of color & people. I love it. I love to just watch it all go by. India. It's so completely opposite of me and yet I have such a draw to it. The opportunitues are endless and there's always something going on. The people are warm and friendly. The food is great! What isn't there to love?

2 weeks to go before I'm in the land I love so much. So ready to go!

Numb

29 days and counting. I've officially been put on auto-pilot and my thoughts are too busy swirling around my brain to actually land and make sense. Today is family gathering #2 and I thought that I may have a lot of emotions for this day but I feel numb. Numb to every emotion because they're just too much for me to grasp today. And in some odd way, I'm feeling every emotion possible. Frustration, excitement, sadness, joy, anxiousness, nervousness, fear and toss a few more in there and you'll have a good picture of my head.
Thank God for God! Seriously, if I weren't able to stand in the fact that he's got me 100% I wouldn't be able to do this at all and I would be a complete wreck in trying to make it happen. There's comfort in knowing that he's just walking along side me, taking one day at a time, looking at the days pass by like a ticking clock. Only in that place can I have all of these random emotions and not have them swallow me whole. I feel them but they're not consuming me.
India is a dream coming true for me. I almost can't believe it. Wow...how did I get here?

Stress and details. Details and stressssss!

Oh my. The last few days have just been filled with ups and downs. Valley's & mountain top's if you will. When I have the valley moment's I just drive myself insane and then wonder if I'm making any of the right decisions at all. Am I? I don't even know. But I am getting on the plane and flying over the big bad ocean and placing myself in a land I hardly know for 6 months.

Of course the mountain top moments are fantastic. I can see the future and it's exciting and fun. I'm filled with hope. I see all the possibilities that lie ahead and I just lose my ever loving mind!

I hate what a little self doubt does to my mind and spirit. It literally comes up from behind me and takes me out at the knees. Stupid satan. My mind is already swirling around like a bad Wizard of Oz spoof and then satan sticks his big ugly head right in the middle of it all. C'mon already! I want one day where I can shut my thoughts out and be without thinking of all the things that I have to get done in the next 37 days. It's too much right now and I know that I need to curl up with Jesus and just rest in him but I can't even get my mind to calm down enough to do that. Drugs. I need drugs and lots of 'em people. I need Jesus and drugs and maybe some fuzzy slippers.

At least I still have a sense of humor in all of this or I would be a giant ball of mess on the floor in all my drama and ice cream. Oh! ice cream. That would make it all better. All is right in the world again! Thank you Jesus for cows who gave us ice cream!!!! AMEN!

Thinking on Good-bye's

What a day. Not good, not bad just emotional. Saying good-bye is taking me by surprise. Rather, the emotions of saying good-bye is exhausting. How do I look my sisters in the face and tell them good bye? How do I tell my mother not to worry? How do I comfort her when my heart is breaking too? Can I tell her anything that will give her ease? I can't. I can tell her that I'll be fine but how does that make the mother's heart heal? How do I do this? I understand that I have to follow after God and no one is asking me to not run head on into his arms, but how do I do this? My sister's, I love my sister's. They're each dramatic and a pain in my side, but I wouldn't trade them in for all the gold in heaven. The stories we have on one another! The pictures I have burned in my mind from seasons past. The tears we've shared together, the hugs we've shared when there were no words. The fights over the bathroom, the phone, the couch and personal space. The broken figurines that were fixed in secret, or so we thought. The parties that were covered up, or so we thought. The endless conversations about absolutely freakin nothing!
I may complain about my family, but I love them. Families are meant to drive us insane and we do such a great job.
God help me love them enough in this season when their hearts are hurting. I cannot comfort them the way you can. Give me strength to look them in the eyes and not show my fear. Help me be strong for them as they're trying so hard to be strong for me. Help them trust that I'm in your hands and you're looking after your daughter. Comfort them at night when they're alone with their tears. Remind them that you're their good father too and they are not alone.
I stand the doorway of saddness and jubilation. One foot on either side and I'm torn. Thank you Abba for being on both sides.

3 months to go. And a little extra...

Today marks 3 months until I leave for India. 3 months. How did it come so fast?! Why is it taking so long?! Welcome to my brain. Constantly thinking on that one single day, February 15th. I'm trying to plan so much time with people in such a small amount of time and it will be here before I know it. So exciting and so frustrating all at the same time. And my love of winter will only make it more intense! Soon. So very very soon.

So I'm reading a little book titled "Walden" by Henry David Thoreau. And let me tell you, I'm in love. Some of his thoughts are a tad arrogant and humorous to me. But then there are some that make me want to just up and down in agreement. Here's a quote, "Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each others eyes for an instant?" LOVE IT! It's so right on! Can you imagine what would change in our day to day lives if we took the extra time to think on the state of other's lives? What would we change about how we live if we walked but a mile in their shoes? It's like sitting at the mall, or any populated public place, and people watching. I love to imagine their lives for a second. Some, to me, have fascinating lives and some make my heart hurt. Can God lead me in one direction or the other? Yes, he can. I wonder what they're lives are really like and what made them who they are. What kind of pain are they numbing? What makes them laugh or cry? God's amazing. He really is. He takes all of this in his giant hand and holds it just so. No matter how lonely people feel, they have no clue sometimes just how close they really are to him. They wouldn't have to reach far before they were in his arms and comforted. Ahh! I just love him SO much. No one, ever, will be able to love this way. We're such conditional creatures and we pin too high an expectation on those in our lives to fill this void that can only be filled by him. It is honestly so freeing to just rely on His unconditional love. It frees people to just be and not have to live up to some unattainable expectation that they were never meant to meet in the first place.
yay Jesus. :)

High Expectations? Maybe.

I'm finding myself stressed out about India more than I'm enjoying the process of it all. Why? I hate worry. I hate thinking about how much control I don't have in this whole thing. I want India more than anything else in this life and I'm so close to it that I can taste it. I have the ticket. It is paid for and I can't get it back. My name is on it and it feels like it's in stone. But what if I can't stay the full two years? Is that having a direct impact on my process? Am I preparing for less because in some way I think that I won't actually stay?! Why do I do that to myself? Why do I set myself up to fail like that? Why do I think my dreams mean less than my friends or family's dreams?
Then I have this revalation... this doens't fall on me. This isn't my thing and I need to take my hands off! I need to sit back and watch him do this. I need to watch Jesus be who he says he is. Is that easy? No. It's not easy for me. But I have to remember that this isn't about me. This is about what God wants to do with his beloved people in Chennai. He wants to show them something and he wants to show me something. He wants to teach me something amazing about who he is and how much he loves me and his children. I hate all this worry. I hate it. I want to be free from thinking that I have to take care of these things. He knows what I need and he can and will provide for me. I have to trust him on that.
And then here's this place of putting all my life's dreams on being in India. That's not the right thing to do. This is a piece of my life, just one more step in the journey. Is it huge? yes. It is a major step. I don't know what's going to happen there. I don't know what he's going to do to me or through me there. This is as much a mystery to me as it is others. All I know is that I have to trust the creator of ALL knows what he's doing and will be with me in all things always. Chennai is a major place of change for me, I have to be up for the adventure or I need to sit back down.

Restored

I hate when I'm sitting somewhere and I have this urge to write and I can't. It's so frustrating at that point because I have to make notes on what I want to write about and then when the time comes to put it on paper (computer screen) it has lost some of its passion. So this is my attempt at trying to keep the passion in this thought. Let's hope it works!

A few months ago I was beginning yet another round of dealiong with the abandonment of my father. I've circled this tree more than enough times and so I thought that it was a closed chapter. Well in May of this year the chapter was opened once again and I wasn 't all too excited about it. But I listened to what I thought God was telling me and I obeyed...eventually. It didn't take too long before I did what he was asking and I tried to contact my dad. I had a few odd circumstances come up that made me realize that it was now or never. So I sat down and wrote a small note to tell him that I was leaving for India in February and I would really like to see have some contact with him before I go. I gave him my address, phone # and email address so there's no way he can tell me that he didn't have a way to get in touch with me. I sent the letter on a Monday morning and went on with my life. A week passed and nothing. No big deal. Two weeks passed and still nothing. 4 weeks passed and then I realized that I had a problem. It bothered me that I hadn't heard from him. It hurt me to know that I have sent several apologetic notes to him asking him for forgiveness for things I've said in the past. I was a hurt little girl and I didn't know then how to relate big people hurt with little girl expectations and emotions. Over the past 9 years I've tried to contact him 3 times and each time I have little to no expectation of a response. In the past, a no-reply didn't effect me all that much. It's what I expected so I just moved one. This time was different. I really hoped that in some way he would want to contact me and would put everything aside and contact me. But this is not what happened. I got exactly what I thought I would; nothing. 4 weeks after I sent the letter with a picture of me in India, telling him a little about my life and letting him see just a piece of my heart, I got nothing and I got angry. I was so angry at him for allowing himself to be this childish. I am 31 years old and I don't have time to play these games with people or my emotions. I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted him to say good luck. I wanted him to be able to say that he participated in some small way in my life. But he didn't. He chose not to be any kind of father again. Why did I deserve that? Why am I paying for his choices? Why do I sit and wonder about him knowing that he chose to turn around and walk away. It's not right. What makes me angry is that I'm not suppose to know what this feels like. I'm not suppose to know how it feels to have your own father not choose you. He didn't choose me... again. This isn't the first time this has happened either. I'd say that he's walked away from me 5 or 6 times. How can you allow your daughter to feel that unloved and unwanted? How do you allow those thoughts of unworthiness sit so heavy on her heart? I will never, as long as I live, understand how anyone could ever do that.
I have learned that it wasn't my fault. He walked away from an amazing person who is loved well by many people. He's missing out on the exciting things that happen in my life. He doesn't deserve the right to be proud of me when he had nothing to do with who I am as an adult. I understand that he is functioning out of what he knows as a father. I can't expect more from him when he doesn't have the ability to give what he doesn't have. He wasn't celebrated as a boy and before he was a man, he was a father. Lost & confused and now the provider for his wife and new baby boy. At 25 he was divorced, father of one child and found himself with another one on the way. (This is where I'd like to state that if you're not ready for children, either keep it in your pants or protect yourself. It's not the child's fault that you have no self control!) It's not all his fault and I'm aware of that. It takes two to tango. My mother was no angel but she loved me. She was a casualty of this unfortunate predicament too. I wasn't the only one who now carried the wounds of bad decisions. But I am the one who never receieved answers or truth about the situation. I just had fragments and no idea where to put them.
Here's the fun part... I'm okay. I've been redeemed. I've been made whole. I've been made clean. I'm loved by the only Father I've ever known. In His eyes I will always be his little girl who loves to dance with him. I am his beloved and I belong to him. I am with him as he is with me. I only have the knowledge of what I missed out on with my biological father because Jesus showed me what a real father looked like. He showed me that I have nothing to be ashamed of and I have many fatherly figures in my life that look out for my best interest. I'm thankful that I know what a father looks like so I can aim high for my future. I will never allow my children to feel that they are unloved. They will never know what it feels like to be picked over by the people who are to love them unconditionally. They will be enjoyed and cherished for the beautiful children of God that they are. Only on loan to me. Be gentle with the jewels that God loans to you.