3 days to go!

So today I woke up much earlier than I would have liked. I don't have a job and I should be sleeping in, not waking up at 6:30 with a list running a mile long of things left undone. It's just not right I tell you. NOT RIGHT!

Even though my head is full of things to do and take care of, I'm feeling pretty good. Had a few moments of "What am I doing?!" But there are no twinges of "this is the wrong thing to do". Which I think is a good thing considering I am 3 days away from moving half way around the world! I'm so completely jazzed! I got out of my small town and I'm doing something that I NEVER imagined I would ever do. I didn't know what I wanted to do with myself but I knew that I didn't want to stay in a small town. Maybe one day I'll have have the desire to stay put and make my life in one place, but for right now, I have been ruined for "life as usual". I've seen too much, I've been given too much to stand still and ignore the small voice in my heart that says,"Go and see. Touch and feel. Be among the one's who don't know love like you know love" When you have as much as I do, there's no way you can stand still and not share it with others. I'm not talking money, any one can write a check and call it a day and a good deed. I'm talking about giving of something so much more valuable, a piece of your heart. There's no way you can go into a place with such injustice and leave without it touching every part of you. It's on your skin, in your hair, in your nose, in your eyes. It is on you like a second skin. Unless your heart is completely detached, you cannot walk away untouched. It's not the way we were designed to be. We were created to give so much of ourselves that we are forced to run to the arms of our beautiful Creator to fill us up again. What if we did that?! What if we didn't live our lives as though we are living only for ourselves? What if we gave so to someone else just because we could? What I'm doing in India shouldn't be looked at as this amazing, selfless act. It should be the norm and expected. We have got to learn to get out of ourselves and give something of who we are to people who need the encouragement. Learn something about yourself. See the world through someone else's eyes. Learn to love the way we are loved;selflessly.

Finally making sense!

Yesterday was my last day of work. It was a tough day because I enjoy the people there so much. Like all co-worker relationships there are days that you just want to smack them all and shake them a bit, but that's normal, right? It was sweet. We had lots of cake and yummy food and not too many tears. Good day! All day I was hearing really fantastic encouragements about what I'm doing and how noble it is and all thst kind of stuff. And I say thank you and smile and nod but in my head I was thinking, this isn't noble. This is what I was made for! This is what I was designed for! Not going to India is a bigger sacrifice to me than giving up anything here. I know it's hard for people to wrap their minds around it sometimes so I just let it go.
So after I got over the fact that I no longer have a job (totally weird!) I was driving to a friends house and it's like God pulled the cork on my understanding of the season I'm in. My going to India isn't just this thing that I'm doing because I got bored one day. This was placed in my life. This wasn't a desire I ever had until 4 years ago when I saw the beautiful faces of these people. So as I'm driving I'm crying and saying out loud (we all do it!) "This finally makes sense! I'm finally able to do what I've been designed to do and it all fits!" I don't know how else to say that. This is my thing. This is what I'm made for. This is my heart and I get to go and take it. I don't know how many people actually get the chance to live a dream. I am living my dream, or at least I will be in 8 days!
I can now answer that question of "Are you excited?" without any hesitation or reserve. I am sad to leave my loved ones for this season, but I am bustin at the seams with joy and thankfulness because I am able to live my dream.
I am so blessed.
I'm the lucky one, not India.

Amazing Provision!

Do I have a story to tell! Yesterday I got the most fantastic email! It was news telling me that there is an apartment available for me to share with a woman in Chennai. Hallelujah!

1) I know this woman and I like her. If she lived in the States she would be someone I would want to call my friend! Bonus!! She likes to travel, she's a thinker, she's funny, she loves Jesus, she will understand my sense of humor (God I hope so!) She's just someone I am SO looking forward to getting to know.

2) the rent it low and I love that!!

3) it's close to Sparky's restaurant and close to Power House Church office.

4) right next door is a Christian NGO that does fantastic work with destitute women. I don't know what that entails but I know that PHC has a relationship with them already and it's a great opportunity for me to get involved!

5) God's awesome!!!! All of these things I have been praying for and ta-da here they are just sitting in front of me for me to pick up. I SO don't deserve His goodness but I know that he loves to give abundantly to his beloved.

6)Let's get on the plane and fly fly away! I'm ready to do this!! :)

The Big Easy or little India?

So I just had the most fantastic time in New Orleans, LA! Flew with a great friend of mine who's easy going, fun and willing to try new things. Love the Guse! We had such a good time! We were visiting my grade school friend Beth and her husband Chris, who had fantastic food waiting for us when we arrived at the house! Best hotel ever! Shippert-Meyers Inn and Cafe'! 5 stars. It never fails that when I'm with Beth that I laugh until my sides hurt. For two people who are complete opposites, we have a great respect for each other's opinions and belief's. We have been friends literally since the 3rd grade when she was the new girl in class and sat across from me. Fast friends indeed. I cherish her. When I'm with her I feel SO comfortable with myself and I never feel judged about who I am or how I look. You just don't find people like her all the time. I have several friends who have these qualities, but none like Bethy. She's just one of a kind and I adore her. Yay Beth!

So New Orleans! A-MAZING! Love the city, the culture, the food, the weather, the hospitality, the way they talk, the FOOD! I love that city. I don't ever want to live there, but I love visiting! My fantastic friend Krista and I walked all over the city. We rode the street car and had drinks "to go"! We found a few t-shirt shops on Bourbon St and we were in every.single.one.

We went on a tour of the St. Louis Cemetery no.1 and saw the fantastic tombs and heard a ton of history of the city. Again, fantastic! If this city actually sinks, as is what you expect it to do since it is built on a swamp, three feet below sea level, it will be the most tragic loss ever. Yes the city is dirty and old and full of bad things but it's beautiful! The culture is like nowhere else in the US. It's got such amazing architecture! Where do they build places like this in the US?

They celebrate everything! Everywhere you go there is color. Houses are multi-colored and not in bad taste like in the Mid-west. (You all know what I'm talking about!) I love love all the color!

Of course we went to the Lower 9th ward where Hurricane Katrina did the most damage. It was so hard to see it with your own eyes. Basically because it's in the United States. You want to be super sensitive to the people who lost everything they had. You don't want to walk around with your cameral hanging around your neck because this is someone's home and they lived it. It's not a tourist attraction. But hope is springing up there and one day it will be filled with homes that can withstand another flooding.

I had a great time in New Orleans! Great city!

What does India have to do with New Orleans, LA? A LOT! First of all, most of the shops on Bourbon St were owned/ran by an Indian family. It was awesome! Bourbon St reminded me the most of India because of how it's constructed. The streets are close together, there's a distinct oder in the air that most large cities have. The culture of the city is like no other! And of course, the colors! India is full of color & people. I love it. I love to just watch it all go by. India. It's so completely opposite of me and yet I have such a draw to it. The opportunitues are endless and there's always something going on. The people are warm and friendly. The food is great! What isn't there to love?

2 weeks to go before I'm in the land I love so much. So ready to go!

Numb

29 days and counting. I've officially been put on auto-pilot and my thoughts are too busy swirling around my brain to actually land and make sense. Today is family gathering #2 and I thought that I may have a lot of emotions for this day but I feel numb. Numb to every emotion because they're just too much for me to grasp today. And in some odd way, I'm feeling every emotion possible. Frustration, excitement, sadness, joy, anxiousness, nervousness, fear and toss a few more in there and you'll have a good picture of my head.
Thank God for God! Seriously, if I weren't able to stand in the fact that he's got me 100% I wouldn't be able to do this at all and I would be a complete wreck in trying to make it happen. There's comfort in knowing that he's just walking along side me, taking one day at a time, looking at the days pass by like a ticking clock. Only in that place can I have all of these random emotions and not have them swallow me whole. I feel them but they're not consuming me.
India is a dream coming true for me. I almost can't believe it. Wow...how did I get here?

Stress and details. Details and stressssss!

Oh my. The last few days have just been filled with ups and downs. Valley's & mountain top's if you will. When I have the valley moment's I just drive myself insane and then wonder if I'm making any of the right decisions at all. Am I? I don't even know. But I am getting on the plane and flying over the big bad ocean and placing myself in a land I hardly know for 6 months.

Of course the mountain top moments are fantastic. I can see the future and it's exciting and fun. I'm filled with hope. I see all the possibilities that lie ahead and I just lose my ever loving mind!

I hate what a little self doubt does to my mind and spirit. It literally comes up from behind me and takes me out at the knees. Stupid satan. My mind is already swirling around like a bad Wizard of Oz spoof and then satan sticks his big ugly head right in the middle of it all. C'mon already! I want one day where I can shut my thoughts out and be without thinking of all the things that I have to get done in the next 37 days. It's too much right now and I know that I need to curl up with Jesus and just rest in him but I can't even get my mind to calm down enough to do that. Drugs. I need drugs and lots of 'em people. I need Jesus and drugs and maybe some fuzzy slippers.

At least I still have a sense of humor in all of this or I would be a giant ball of mess on the floor in all my drama and ice cream. Oh! ice cream. That would make it all better. All is right in the world again! Thank you Jesus for cows who gave us ice cream!!!! AMEN!

Thinking on Good-bye's

What a day. Not good, not bad just emotional. Saying good-bye is taking me by surprise. Rather, the emotions of saying good-bye is exhausting. How do I look my sisters in the face and tell them good bye? How do I tell my mother not to worry? How do I comfort her when my heart is breaking too? Can I tell her anything that will give her ease? I can't. I can tell her that I'll be fine but how does that make the mother's heart heal? How do I do this? I understand that I have to follow after God and no one is asking me to not run head on into his arms, but how do I do this? My sister's, I love my sister's. They're each dramatic and a pain in my side, but I wouldn't trade them in for all the gold in heaven. The stories we have on one another! The pictures I have burned in my mind from seasons past. The tears we've shared together, the hugs we've shared when there were no words. The fights over the bathroom, the phone, the couch and personal space. The broken figurines that were fixed in secret, or so we thought. The parties that were covered up, or so we thought. The endless conversations about absolutely freakin nothing!
I may complain about my family, but I love them. Families are meant to drive us insane and we do such a great job.
God help me love them enough in this season when their hearts are hurting. I cannot comfort them the way you can. Give me strength to look them in the eyes and not show my fear. Help me be strong for them as they're trying so hard to be strong for me. Help them trust that I'm in your hands and you're looking after your daughter. Comfort them at night when they're alone with their tears. Remind them that you're their good father too and they are not alone.
I stand the doorway of saddness and jubilation. One foot on either side and I'm torn. Thank you Abba for being on both sides.